I took an online quiz today and it told me I was depressed. Normally, I don’t put much thought into online quizzes, but this one was a bit different. You see, I told my friend yesterday that I feel sad all of the time-even when I have absolutely no reason to be sad. This morning, I woke up to a text message from her with a quiz that determines a person’s level of depression.
I’m moderately depressed. Basically, I’m depressed enough to need to talk about it, but that’s all the results really said. There was no encouragement or ideas of who to talk about these feelings with. Super helpful, I know. Thus, I blog.
I knew the outcome of the quiz before I clicked submit.
Do you have motivation to do the things you need to do? No.
Do you look forward to anything during the day? No.
Do you find yourself feeling sad more than happy? Yes.
Do you find yourself feeling sad when you should be feeling happy? Yes.
Did you know it is estimated that 350 million people of all ages deal with some type of depression? It makes sense. There is so much negativity in this world. So much destruction.
More than that, there is so much to live up to. You have to be your best, the best. You are always competing against people. You are always performing and providing people with what they need. It can cause a lot of anxiety and feelings of not being good enough. If rejection doesn’t play a hand in depression, I’d be pretty surprised.
The worst part is I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. Not really. I know I’m loved. My parents tell me how much they love me every single day. I have great friends. My boy friend constantly goes out of his way to show me how important I am to him. So why do I feel so unimportant? Why then, do I feel like I am not gaining any sort of fulfillment out of anything I do? How come I can be surrounded by people who love me and feel so unloved?
My mom and dad are moving away. Maybe that’s why? They were in Miami this week and I think it really put everything into perspective for me. I’ve never been more than 3 hours away from them. Now we will be 23 hours apart.
Or maybe it’s because the holiday season is coming and I know I’m working Christmas and my siblings won’t be home for Thanksgiving. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’ll be turning 21 on December 31st and for once in my life, I don’t have my birthday completely planned out down to the second of how I want to spend it.
Maybe I’m depressed because adulthood is knocking at my door and I just can’t do it. Graduation is 158 days away. There are 158 days separating me from the next stage of my life. A life I’m not ready to tackle just yet.
The things I used to find so much enjoyment in I no longer do. I sit down amongst my peers and think to myself, “I have so many other things to be doing right now. I don’t want to be here. Why am I here?” And it isn’t because what they are doing isn’t important, because it is. It’s just not something that reaches the same level of all the other things I have on my plate, at least not in my mind.
Maybe I’m depressed because I’m overwhelmed. Projects. Exams. A Christmas Market to plan. Soundings meetings. Work Meetings. Time Sheets to fill out. People to help. People to spend time with. No time to sleep, but feeling exhausted every second of the day. 3 weeks left of the semester to get so many tasks accomplished and the whole time I feel like I’m drowning. I need help. I just don’t know what kind of help I need or how to ask for it or what to do.
And the words, “You did this to yourself” echo in my head as I replay a conversation I had with someone at lunch the other day. She’s right. I did. Not that her words were helpful in any way, shape, or form. If anything, they cut me deeper than anything I’ve ever been told before, because I did. I brought this on myself. I know she’s right.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, I’m going to share how I’m feeling. Hopefully, that is a good enough start.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m lonely. I’m exhausted. I’m busy. I’m sad. I’m hurting. I’m in pain and I don’t even know where the pain is coming from.
But I don’t think these feelings I am having make me weak. I think, if anything, they remind me of where my strength is to be found. I’m going to take this battle one day at a time, because I know God is on my side.
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” ~Deuteronomy 31:8
“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.” ~Psalm 34:17
“I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” ~Psalm 40:1-3
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.” ~1 Peter 4:12-13
God is with me. If you are feeling similar to me, I promise He is with you too.
I’m hoping for better days my friends. For you. For me. For everyone.
Until then, I think it’s important to count my blessings. I used to write down all the good stuff that happened to me within a day. I found myself drifting from this habit, but I want to start again. Maybe you should give it a try, too? After all, God blesses us with more than we really give Him credit for.